This should be a no-brainer , but some need
to be told : NO damn 'high-waters' !
If you feel the need to show off your socks ,
just put them in a damn scrapbook , ok ?
Your pants should touch the top of your shoes ,
or even slightly drape over them , got that ?

Stay away from pants with pleats , Old Man !
The only reason they are still on the market ,
is because dumb-asses like you will still buy 'em !
I remember wearing pleated pants in the Eighties !
Pleats belong on your feeble Gramdma's bedspead .
Besides , aren't you gettin' all old and puffy
down in that area anyways ?
A round of straight-front pants for all !

Since comfort is number one for lookin' good ,
get a pair of pants that actually fit your gut .
A constricting waistline is unheathy for you
and others . We don't want to get hit in the
face by your exploding top slack button .
By the way , the waistline of your pants should
be at your waistline , whether you have one or not .
wear a pair of slacks pulled up to your tits .

Again , being comfortable is the rule ,
so you should have ample room in your pantlegs .
You are not a Ballerina , at least I think so .

Short pants are made for real guys with real legs !
I feel your pain if you you are haunted with bird legs ,
because alas , I suffer from the same malady .
So be a Patriot , keep America beautiful ,
and discard all of your short pants .
Thanks , Bud !

For the fortuante Gentlemen blessed with nice legs ,
wear hot pants or Daisy Dukes !
Those baggy-ass long shorts are mainstream now ,
you can wear them even if you're not a Raver Kid .
And quit wearing your shorts all the way to your tits .
Are you in a potato sack race or something ?

Need a belt ?
Yea , you sure could use a good belt from me...
A belt's color should match your shoes ,
And no , you may wear Red or White shoes ,
you better be wearing Black shoes , Dumb-Ass .
Buy a medium width belt with a chunky buckle ,
well , not as chunky as a western-style belt buckle ,
the ones wide enough to seat dinner for eight .
The buckle should always be silver ; gold sucks !
Even Puff Daddy stays away from gold now .

Who the fuck is perpetuating the look of polo shirts
suffed into a pair of pleated pants ?
Is it an attempt to look sporty yet dressy ?
C'mon , would you wear a tie with jogging pants ?

Yo Big Guy , are you hosting a gut ?
Big gut or small ; don't tuck in that shirt , ok ?
Hey Look , it's the big Koolaid™ pitcher Guy
ready to bust out any minute ! Watch out !
We are lucky to live in times that allow you to
leave your shirt out , and still look dressy if needed .