As any Girl can tell you : Guys are SLOBS .
It's one of the basic laws of physics .
Just because your room looks like a mess ,
doesn't mean you have to look like one
when you head out the front door .
Areas of your body which are always
on public display , like your head n' hands ,
should always be tended to . Word .

A Man's greatest hair problem once he ages
is not the diminishing hair on his head ,
but the ever-increasing amount of hair busting
out of every hole in is forsaken body .
Gents , you gotta keep an eye on those rascals !
How are you supposed to be taken seriously ,
when you have a brush of exposed nose hair
vibrating in the light with each vowel uttered .
No one will be able to focus on what you are saying ,
let alone on what your face looks like .

And don't forget those ear hairs also .
Just because you can't see 'em ,
doesn't mean that they aren't there .
Young Guys will laugh at that shit ,
but they're gonna get 'em , too !
Any Guy over 30 needs to be on top of them .
Shit , I have to cut 'em every second day !
When a Woman nibbles on your earlobes ,
do you want her to be flossing at the same time ?
Every Man should know someone close enough to be
a real Friend and clip inside your ears .
If not , you better find one .

I've seen Big-shots wearing 'Versace' , thinkin'
they're the Mack , but sportin' veritable earmuffs !
It goes to shows ya , money can't buy class .
I'm terrified to give my own Father a hug ,
because I might end up with 4 foot ear hairs
wrapped around my friggin' head !
Don't let this happen to you !

Do you know the size of the silent majority of folks
who judge you by the state of your fingernails ?
Co-worker , family member , male or female .
Do we really need to tell you to keep 'em clean ?
One would think that by now , someone would
have informed you how to take care of your nails .
Keep them clean and keep them cut , Buddy .

I have no idea why there are Adult Men with
nails long enough to make Ghetto Women envious .
And that long pinky coke-snorting fingernail
has to be cut off . Studio 54 closed eons ago .
Conversely , don't cut your nails too short .
Fetal nails on a Man's hand is a wrong concept .
Why the fuck should I even be preaching to you
on how to take care of your fingernails , Dork ?
If you don't know by now , you're a Loser indeed .
I ain't your damn Mother .

We think it's digusting that you so willingly enjoy
self-mutilation of your most exposed of body parts ,
and you have the nerve to try to touch us with those scabs ,
or hand us things , or offer us food while
the spittle on your wounds still glistens .
Did you apply for your job like that ?
Did you hand over your resume with the
"Hey , look ! I'm a big Loser !" Claw ?
I know it's very hard to stop at first ,
but if you're strong , after a few weeks ,
you won't even think about it anymore !
Remember , it's only a HABIT !
Be a Man , and get over it...fast .

So allow me to repeat :

Most guys have no sense of toe hygiene .
We often have no interest what happens
below the all-sacred crotch level .
Men's feet have a tendency to be ugly things ,
often evolving with age to become yellowed
and bearing toe nails that look like Fritos™ .
But somebody is checkin' em out , Buddy .
To gain respect , I highly recommend that
every Bubba should go get a pedicure at least
once in a great while , it ain't no Girly thing .
I strongly suggest you visit a Nail Salon where
most of the employees are Asian Women .
There , a pedicure will be cheapest , and no
leather-foot , bunion , hammer-toe , nor
yellow encrusted clubfoot seems to bother them .
And I must say , they're so gosh darned cute !

Ok , now I've crossed over to the Darkside .
In public , I still come across wafts of stank B.O.
If you're guilty , it's way too late for you .
If your Balls stink , fine , I ain't going near 'em .
But if you haven't learned to take care of your pits ,
I have nothing to say to you except :
Please commit suicide , I'll pay you .

The biggest source of offending smells to all
is fucking Bad Breath . And it's avoidable .
This is such a taboo subject , why can't we tell
the Shit-smelling offender about his/her problem ?
All of us have had somebody talking in our faces
with breath that is even too sinful for the Bible .
A person with bad breath is so revolting ,
you can't even hear what they're saying !

The most beautiful Woman can seem like a Sea-Hag
just because her mouth smells like a trash can .
Sadly , none of us have the gall to tell her .
I don't care how many times you brush you teeth .
The crap you eat , or if you get a bit dehydrated ,
will make your Mouth smell like a turkish Anus .
I keep Breath Spray in my pocket at all times .
The container is small , and only cost a bit over $1 .
Please join me , for the good of all Mankind .
And yours .