When a Dame tells you she likes your hair ,
you actually do have nice hair and
she's already half-way in love with you .
Girls go for hair , so take advantage of it !
You don't have to buy anything fancy ,
it costs absolutely nothing to grow hair .
Just wash that mane once in a while .

If your hair is thinning or receding ,
ABSOLUTELY NO COMB-OVER ! NEVER !
No matter what kind of camoflage expert you are ,
people are laughing behind your back ,
and no Homie of mine needs to put up with that !
Just keep your hair as short as possible
or better yet , if you're Man enough , just
PLEASE SHAVE YOUR DAMN HEAD !
You're lucky , today it's so damn masculine
and fashionable to sport a shaved head .
See, now no one has to know that you're balding .
And if you like , cultivate some sort of
a beard growth to compensate .
You are a man ! So look like one !

Tragically , there are some instances
where a man is balding and can't grow a beard !
Again you're in luck , because currently a Man
is stylish in a abbreviated beard , such as
a bit under the lip , or chin , or whatever .
Nearly anything goes today , ain't it great ?
If you opt for a shaved head without facial hair ,
please at least get some kind of tan ,
so you won't look like a god-forsaken mole !
Thanks , Friend !

Hey , you wanna real cool-lookin' hair style ?
You can take your el cheapo , run-of-the-mill
conservative go-to-work hairCUT ,
and turn it into a hairSTYLE
that looks like you spent 60 bucks for !
It will take minutes...no , seconds !
How ? I'll show you .
Look at this haircut below .

It was done by a local BARBER ,
(Yes , Barber Shops do exist , ask your Dad)
not in some hoity-toity pretentious Hair Salon ,
which can be intimidating for any regular Guy .
Ok , now go to your nearest Dollar Store
and find some hair..uh..gel or some crap .
Look for words like 'Hold' or 'Freeze' .
Just read the damn labels , o.k. Pal ?
I think what we used here is called :
" Ms. Laweesha's Hook-Me-Up Hair Shit™ " ,
...or something like that .

Now go home and apply that sap all over your hair
and make sure you mess it up real good , got it ?
Use as much as you need , even whole hands full .
It only cost you a dollar , you cheap Bastard .
The idea is to make your hair as spiky
and messy and as crazy as possible ,
like so :

I know , it may look totally stupid to you ,
but all Women will be lusting after you , and
you'll gain respect of Cool People everywhere ,
even if your sorry face is ugly as sin .
Don't worry , wimp , it washes right out ,
and you can return to work safely the next day .
See , was that so hard ?

Ok , Dude what the heck is up with that long hair ?
If you look like a model , or dress like a Dandy ,
or are some kinda professional Wrestler or Pimp ,
you can most likely get away with that crap .
But if you're a casual Jeans and T-shirt Man ,
you shouldn't sport long hair , it just ain't right .
Long hair does NOT make you look young , cool ,
nor like a rebel . Well , maybe 30 years ago .
Tresses only make you appear to be homeless .
Yea , it's impossible to see yourself as others do .
If you could , you'd cut it off.......yesterday .
Those long-haired 50 year-old has-been Rock Stars
do not command respect , they inspire our pity .
If you want that cool rebellious bad-boy image ,
for cryin' out loud , as I stated before :
PLEASE SHAVE YOUR DAMN HEAD !.
Aw , do what ever you want , it's your life .
Just don't be suprised if you only get laid
by toothless fat Bitches . I've said enough .

Do you want to change the color of your hair ?
Do it ! You would be suprised at how many Guys
have it done nowadays , it ain't a wuss thing anymore .
But if you have light colored hair , and want to go
darker , make sure you have 'em dye your eyebrows
darker also , otherwise you'll look sickly , ok ?.

On another note , NEVER trust a Hairdresser .
These folks are shadier than Drag Queens ,
and most times you can't tell them apart .
Everything that comes out of their mouths are lies !
As soon as you hear the words "texture" or "movement" ,
get ready to put on your wading boots . Terms like
these are verbalized to convince us that they are
Artists , which maybe they are , but then again ,
so is the guy who trims your hedges . Stylist's major
concerns are what amount you will tip them and hope you
will come back over and over again , that's all .
Remember , the more shit they can do to your hair ,
the more they can charge you , so watch out !
Change does not always look best for everyone .

All that time they spent in some shady Hair School ,
but still have failed to learn that hair is D-E-A-D !
Yep, no amount of vitamins nor minerals put on
your hair will make it 'healthier' , it's bullshit .
They will try to sell you all kinds of expensive
chemicals to 'help restore your damaged hair' .
And why the fuck is your hair so damn damaged ?
It's because of all the toxins they used last time !
Sadly , most Stylists really believe all in that hype .
Use something like 'Suave' shampoo and conditioner .
It costs $1.99 a bottle , smells good ,
and 'Consumer Reports' recommends it .
And take your damn vitamins .