Shoes are the very most important
part of your humble wardrobe .
You MUST wear nice shoes , Bud !
There is a slient majority of Men and Women who
judge you by your choice of footwear , trust me .
I never pay much for clothes , but The Law states
you have to invest some bucks on quality shoes .
And with a pair of real nice bad-ass shoes ,
you can get the rest of your wardrobe at Big K ,
and still look like a million bucks !
If you're tragically economically disadvantaged ,
there are some plastic emergency footwear available
that look at least half-way decent at night ,
but don't plan on going home with anybody ,
because your feet will stank , Fool !

I will not cover the subject of Athletic shoes ,
since they're casual , the choices are overwhelming ,
and they all look just about the same .
To me they seem pretentious unless I'm actually
participating in a sport . Like..uh..never .
But each to his own . At least keep 'em clean ,
and make sure you don't wear 'em with dress pants .
For some reason it gives forth 'homeless' look .

The only exceptions here are Cowboy Boots .
So unless yer headin' to a square dance hoo-ha
or trying to pick a lock , please
leave the stabbers at home , boys !
I can't bitch about it enough :

Tassels do not belong on shoes !
Old Ladies have those things hanging off their curtains !
Tassels on your shoes , for Pete's sake !
Damn , don't you understand , Grampa ?
Why do they still make those ugly-ass things ?
Because Dorks like you and your Dad have been buyin' 'em .

Hey , did I mention that you should wear

Gentlemen , would you please get a pair of shoes with
soles that actually are thicker than cardboard !
You are a Man ! Shod yourself accordingly !
Men's shoes should be big and chunky ;
the ballerina look was never scenic on us Menfolk !.

By the way , no matter what you wear ,
a long-stading law of Men's style is that
your clothes should progressively get darker
from your shirt down ....seriously .
And so , the darkest item of your clothing
must be your shoes . I am not making this up .
Hence Black shoes are always recommended .

Please buy some shoes that fit , dammit !
There should be no reason I would have to say it ,
but I've seen men who have worn shoes that are
too damn small for their feet their entire lives !
Your shoes should be SNUG , not TIGHT !
Here's a little experiment :
While standing , trace the outline of
your hideous bare feet on a sheet of paper .
Now , trace an outline of your favorite shoes .
I am still shocked at the proof that many men
wear shoes that are SMALLER THAN THEIR FEET !
Try a full or half-size larger next time .
Please be kind to your Dogs , they have to
support the weight of your fat ass for your whole life !

If you need to see some examples
of recommeded styles , click below for

If your toe nails are discolored with fungus ,
thick and funky and lookin' like potato chips ,
or the sides of your feet are calloused
and yellow beyond human recognition ,
stay away from those exposing Sandals !
And by the way , only cheesy old British Guys
wear socks with sandals . So why can't you ?
Uh , because those Chaps also enjoy wearing
hot pants , they stink and have messed up teeth .
Do you want all that , too , Loser ?

Did I give you the all important advice yet about

And while we're down there ,
let's take a minute to talk about socks .
Black socks always with long pants , and
short White socks always with Athletic shoes .
Why ? Because it's The Law ! Deal with it !
Never ever wear nylon , or other plastic socks .
Like plastic shoes , they will make your feet reek !
What if you were in an auto accident ?
Forget about the proverbial dirty underwear ,
do you want the entire medical staff gagging at the stank ?